Happy Sunday y’all.
This week, I introduce you to Kristophur: The Mocha Dick. I’m going to be splitting up the saga of his patronage at my café into two parts. Part one will cover his aggressive and asshat behaviour, while part two will tell the tale of his inappropriate sexual advances. Fun stuff, I know.
Fair warning to you though. This might be a long one. So, sit down, grab some chocolate (and maybe find some emotional zen) because this customer is probably going to make you mad – or, at least, mildly annoyed.
But before I start, here is a FUN FACT for y’all: Mocha Dick (see the title of this post) is an actual thing. It happens to be the name of the sperm whale that Herman Melville’s well-known book, Moby Dick, is based on; this massive whale terrorized the Pacific Ocean during the early 19th century.
Anyway, Kristophur buys mochas AND he’s a colossal dick. Hence, mocha dick. Let’s get started.
For those of you who’ve been reading, Kristophur is very similar to Mykel. They both suck any semblance of joy, hope, and happiness from the air just by walking into the store. Ergo: another dementor.
So what does this terror look like? Imagine a corpulent Elmer Fudd, minus the charming desire to hunt wabbits and the endearing speech impediment. Add in thick-set glasses, an obnoxiously red hoodie that never seems to get washed, and a disgustingly leering smile.
Behold! The glory that is Kristophur.
Episode I: The Mocha menace
The first time I meet Kris, it also happens to be my first time working as a barista. It’s the middle of a morning rush when he walks in and says: “Are you new? I have never seen you before in life.”
“Yes,” I reply. “It’s my first day.”
To which he says (more like shouts/demands): “I’m getting my regular drink.”
Let’s stop there first. Given that he is obviously a regular and has never seen me before PLUS, has confirmed that I am new to the store, why would he expect me to know his drink? WHY? I don’t know what his drink is at this point. I’M NEW.
Kris releases a frustrated sigh of discontent and then proceeds to rattle off his drink.
“I get a large, decaf, nonfat, no foam, no whip, mocha.”
As I’m fumbling to write down the order and ring it in, he chimes in again: “make sure you remember it for next time. You should know it. I come in a lot. Also, it’s decaf. Don’t you dare make it caffeinated.”
I nod, hand the drink to the barista making drinks, and pray to heavens that I never have to see him again.
No such luck there.
Episode II: ATTACK OF THE KRISTOPHUR
The second time I see Kris, I have worked a total of seven days at my café and still have no idea how to make drinks. Unfortunately for me, he walks in, orders his drink, and I’m tasked with the gift (see: curse) of having to make that monstrosity.
The problem is, the cup literally has KRIS written on it. There is no indication as to what the drink is. His royal corpulence walks up to me at the end of the bar and leans over to ask me loudly if I have remembered his drink yet.
I have not.
He gets visibly angry that I have not done so, despite these facts:
a) I am still new
b) I have a life outside of work – it involves school, getting yelled at by my mother, watching British documentaries, procrastinating and a whole lot of NOT BEING A BARISTA.
c) See how the above fact does NOT include memorizing asshat customers and their weird drinks?
Finally, after a disappointed sigh, he takes pity on me and tells me his drink again. What he fails to do is inform me that he does not want any foam on his “coffee.” So I make the drink he has told me to make, but with foam.
He goes apoplectic.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” He explodes. He then looks over at my manager and gestures to me.
“Can you do something about this? This is unacceptable. Just unbelievable.”
I’m standing there, pitcher in my hand and bewilderment in my heart.
“What did I do wrong?” I ask him. He scoffs and just rolls his eyes.
My manager takes one look at him and then glances at the drink that I have managed to produce.
“Oh, you gave him foam. He didn’t want any.”
Great. Thanks for that heads up. Thanks so so much. I remake the drink and hand it off to him.
He takes it and then tells my manager this before he leaves: “You know, she’s not very smart, is she? Got a lot to learn, she does.”
EPISODE III: Revenge of the MOCHA DICK:
Over the next couple of months, I have limited interaction with Kris. Which turn out to be some of the best months of my time as a barista.
Then, one miserable day, he comes in and destroys all that joy and happiness in an instant.
The moment Kris walks in, I cannot help but stand at attention.
The red hoodie, his signature top of choice, acted as a warning sign of impending doom from the other side of the parking lot. Kind of like Princess Leia when she encounters Governor Tarkin. Minus the presence of a young Harrison Ford.
Immediately, Kris comments on the number of people that are working.
“Wow, Sapphire (my manager), must be slacking. There are so many of you working. Weird.”
Yes, Kris. Completely weird that people must work to earn a living. What a concept. I definitely don’t have bills and tuition to pay, groceries to buy, money to save for a house I won’t ever be able to buy because of the economy. Yup. No need to work here at all. Cue the intense eye rolls. (Also if y’all did not pick up on that sarcasm… I can’t help you.)
Anyhow, moving on. Kris orders and receives his drink with little to no problems. It is when he attempts (keyword being attempt) to put the lid on his cup that he encounters trouble. For some reason, his sausage fingers are unable to deftly place the plastic lid on top of the cup, and he ends up spilling his drink across the bar.
Rather than apologize for making a mess, he looks at me and informs me loudly that I have made him spill his drink.
Excuse me? I’ve been behind his giant stone counter for the last five minutes. Also, I did not hold a weapon to your head and demand you spill your stupid drink across the counter. I did not MAKE you do anything!
Rather than say any of that to him, I tell him that I will make him a new drink.
“You better. You’re the one that spilled it.”
Again, I choose to stay silent; I bite my tongue. I proceed to make him his drink and hope that he leaves. INSTEAD, this asshat has the audacity to slam open the door to our back room, locate my manager who is doing admin work there, and shouts at her that I have spilled his drink and need to clean up the mess I made, and then leaves.
Just. Nope. I hope this man steps on some legos. Barefoot. And then falls on them. Or just disappears off the face of the planet.
So that’s it for this (very long) post. Catch the second part of Kristophur’s epic journey up on Wednesday at 9:30pm.
Hope y’all have as good a Monday as you can,